Institutionalized

"Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted to. I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and I take my time and it doesn't work out the way I wanted to. It's like I concentrate real hard and it doesn't work out. Everything I do and everything I try never turns out. It's like I need time to figure these things out but there's always someone there going."

The calender hung itself

I wish I was more creative, more interessting and more fun to hang with. If there's a God, this God hasn't been that nice to me. I haven't got the face, the eyes, the body or the personality and I'm quite boring if you ask me. Except for some days, I can be quite interessting and funny sometimes but it depends of who I'm with and where I am.

Some people actually say I'm odd. I don't know if it's a good thing because sometimes you can hear people say the word in a positive way while other people say it in a negative way and I'm not very good in understanding irony even though I'm very ironic.

Confusing world, weird thoughts, odd (and ironic) girl. I loose myself in things like these and I can spend my days and nights daydreaming and trying to come up with good things to say and write but all I can come up with is weird thoughts, very weird thoughts by an odd (and ironic) girl.

I know exactly everything or maybe not

Hellu! Today is wednesday, 30th December 2009. Tomorrow is the last day of this year that has been pretty fucked up but awesome. I just have to say that even if 2009 seemed to be the worst year of my life I'm pretty happy and satisfied with things that happened this year. I met many interessting people and made new friends, got my heart broken a couple of times but it seems like it's fixed now, at least I'm hoping that it's fixed! I hope that 2010 is going to be even better.

Anyways... Today I'm going to town with Dannie and Julia. Dad gave me money so I can buy a gigantic teacup (<3) and mangotea, nomnom. I'm also planning to buy some cds and maybe some clothes.

Oh yeah, my computer is working now. Hooray! Now I gotta go and get dressed cause Dannie and Julia will be here at any time!

Let the right one come in

I'll let you come in

'

Christmas Holiday's plans

Saetia

Bed

Gingerbread

Soymilk

Blanket

Christmas movies

Henke

Brownies

Tea (LOTS of tea)

Just random thoughts

I love christmas, I love the smell of gingerbread and I like to sit at home watching Disney's Christmas Special and I really love spending time with my annoying but still wonderful parents. But there's one thing I really hate about Christmas... It's that stupid song "Hallelujah". You can hear it exactly everywhere and I mean, COME ON! There are other songs that you can sing during Christmas. Blargh!

Anyway, my throat hurts, my head aches and I wanna go home to my bed. I'd also like to have a cat. My friend Daniela has a cat. He's cute and yesterday when I was cuddling with him he jumped on my cellphone when I was reading a text message from my beloved my boyfriend.

Over and out, I don't really know what I'm doing right now, I'm too tired to put my thougths together and I think I'm a little bit hungry but I'm not sure, cause for 15 minutes ago I wasn't hungry but oh well, whatever. Wohoo, my christmas holiday starts today!

Oh well, goodbye

14:13

You know the fear of loosing something you just got? Well, I do. I also know how it feels every time my heart stops when you don't reply to my text messages or when you give me too short answers. Trust me, not the greatest feeling on this planet.

Maybe it has something to do with all the jerks I've once insisted to call "my boyfriend" or maybe it's just the fact that my heart beats so fast every time you hold my hand. Or maybe it is the way you are or shall I say, maybe it's who you are. You are so great and you make me feel in love and think "alright, please, don't leave me". I'm scared that you'll leave me, cause you wanna know a secret? I LOVE YOU, and I'm not just saying this because people expect you to automatically love your boyfriend/girlfriend, I'm saying this because I mean it. I mean it with every heartbeat and breath I take. I LOVE YOU.

So, thank you for being mine. Thank you for letting me love you and please, don't go away.

Si je donne mon cœur à vou

"If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands [...]

[...] So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you."

The Beatles - If I fell

Definitly one of their best songs in my opinion or maybe it's just the fact that I'm a dork and oh, well... you know!

If I trust in you, oh please, don't run and hide

I'm feeling so... I can't even find words to describe how I'm feeling right now. I'm happy and I feel all bubbly even though I got a fever and a stupid headache that kinda stops me from thinking and makes me forget about what I was going to write.

What can I say? Oh boy, you give me butterflies. They keep waving with their wings and it gives me the most confortable and happy feeling someone can ever get. It makes me feel like I wanna go somewhere that we can be alone by ourselves, where I can show you how much I care for you and how much I like you. Cause man, I really like you and I like everything about you. Every single thing about you. I like the way you talk, walk. The way you touch my skin and kiss my lips. The way you laugh at me and even the way you are when you're being a little evil. I like the way you hold my hand and make me warm and I really adore the feeling I get everytime I'm near you and I realized today that I don't need much from you, I just need to hear your voice to know that everything's fine and that I'm damn sure that you're the greatest thing that could've happened to me right now.

Am I close now?

I don't know what it's worth but I'm still here

The girl with kaleidoscope eyes

I think I'm ready now!

“A girl should be two things: classy and FABULOUS!” – Coco Chanel

Sick, sick, sick

I can totally say that I've never been this sick before. Not that I can recall anyway.
My throat is killing me, I have the worst headache ever, high fever that makes me sweat as I was living in hell. I'm hungry and thirsty but I can't swallow anything. It gets stuck in my throat. Maybe I should go and see a doctor and something, hope my mum will be home soon so I can go and see a doctor.

Anyway, I've spent the whole day listening to Bloc Party. Now I'm gonna watch Across the universe, i think...

brb, movie + starvingday

Karma is a bitch

I realized that karma is a bitch. Yesterday I was laughing at a friend because he got the swineflu and couldn't go out this weekend and guess what happened to me this morning? I woke up with the biggest pain in my throat and the worst headache ever. Not to mention my stupid fever... Karma is a fucking bitch.

Even though I'm sick, I'm going to Stockholm today because I miss a very special boy.
He's the cuttest boy in the whole planet and haha, Geez, this is soooo gay.

Replay it

Think again. Dream Again.
I keep playing things on my head and they never go away. Never.
If I close my eyes I see it, if I open them I see it. It doesn't matter, some stuffs never leave.
Forgive and forget. Forget and forgive. I choose forgive and replay.

H.

I guess that what I've been trying to say lately is that I think I'm falling in love with you and I'm scared.

Life's no storybook

I love Bright Eyes.
I love how Conor's always so right about everything.

Not cool.

And it's a big world and it's not fair to me

Ignoring the fact that I lost my bus/subway pass, that my arm is hurting as hell and that I just burnt my tongue with some lingon and raspberry with cream tea, I'm still happy and bubbly cause I just got two albums by Conor Oberst!

I miss London

Baking day

Today I spent my whole day baking and hanging out with my best friend of all time.
We talked, laughed, listened to the knife and watched south park. I baked some brownies and it tasted pretty damn good.

I can't wait untill tomorrow after 3 p.m.! Hang out with Henrik in Stockholm. Ah, man, I LOVE LIFE!

Nostalgia

I miss summer 09. It was the worst and the best summer ever.
Dammit, I miss it. I miss staying up the whole night and sleeping the whole day. I miss lying in my bed, listening to the smiths and drinking strawberry tea. I miss crying over my heartache (somehow it just feels better to be heartbroken during the summer). I miss watching Alice In Wonderland and daydreaming about living there. And will we ever find it? Will we ever get there? Will I ever be able to find wonderland?

Can you feel my love buzz?

CAN YOU FEEL MY LOVE BUZZ?
CAN YOU FEEL MY LOVE BUZZ?
CAN YOU FEEL MY LOVE BUZZ?
CAN YOU FEEL MY LOVE BUZZ?










Would you believe me when I tell you, you're the king of my heart?

epliogue to a carcrash

Orchid and some chocolate. It's been ages and I feel like... I dont know how I feel. A little heartbroken, I'd say.

I just want this to end. I just want it to be spring and I just want things to be okay again.

Utter silence is fragile

I forgot that I have a blog. Haha, weird shit. It feels like years ago although it's just a couple of months ago. Maybe it's the fact that I look at life in a diffrent way now, maybe it's the fact that I'm actually over my heartache. Maybe it's the fact that I'm trying to look at the future and see things from the brightest side. Man, there's always a bright side. I wish I had realized this before, I mean, it took me way too long to realize that life's not just about a heartbreak, life's about many heartbreaks and disappointments.

Last time I wrotte here I had a broken heart and I had lost all my hope. It was still the beggining of the fall. Now it's winter, it's snowing outside my window and here I am. Healed and hopefull again. Looking for new adventures and maybe I've found a new person to love. I think I've found a new person to love, I hope I've found a new person to love.

Life is good and I've got nothing to complain about. I got two lungs and one heart that beats and makes my blood circulate through my vains. I'm alive, I'm happy and I love my friends and family. I love life and its surprises.

Blackbird

det är inte så långt hem

yes.

Sundance Kid

I've kinda got used to being sick now. All the medicines that I've been taking and cups of tea that I've been drinking have actually made these past 3 days very good. I have spent the days lying in my bed, listening to music and watching movies. Pretty good! I'm not really forward to go back to the outside world. I'm alright with living inside my room, lying in my bed the whole day.

Wonderland II

I'm off to neverland, AGAIN. I can't get enough of Alice in wonderland, I always feel like I'm high on ecstasy when I watch it, hihi! It's like my head goes off to a place far away from here and my body feels so relaxed. Great combination, to be honest. I mean, I've been overdosing painkillers today because I've really been on pain. My whole body is on pain, my head doesn't work as it should and I've had fever the whole day, in fact, I'm having one right now. So, painkillers + Alice In Wonderland = High on the skies!

Bye bye, I got to go, wonderland is calling for me.

123 ABC

When did you leave heaven?

Today I finally got the courage to go out and take some pictures. It felt so great, and for the first time in a really long time I felt so relaxed and it felt like I was high, but I'm pretty sure I didn't take anything. I felt good, calm. I lied in the grass and felt the wind touch my face, then I closed my eyes and just took a deep breath and I felt like I was the only person on earth...

chaque seconde

I wish life was a fairytale. I wish there were happy endings and that there was such thing as "they lived happily ever after".
It sucks to know that in reality there are no happy endings, fairies and that nobody lives happily ever after.

Bipolar disorder

Happy, sad, angry, mad, mad, angry, sad, happy, happy, sad, angry, mad...
It's an evil circle that never ends and it's freakin pissin' me off. I'm not even sure if I have it but to be totally honest I really believe I do have bipolar disorder. It's very clear that my mood is impossible to predict since I can go from very happy to very sad within seconds. Blergh!

only teenagers are romantic people.

I'm tired of food, internet and people. I found out that reading a book and listening to good music and sleeping the whole afternoon, evening and night is so much better than sitting in front of a computer.
The Smiths, tea and books, looots of books, describes the past 2 weeks really well!

Goodbye, I'm off to neverland!

Oh my, where is my mind?

I'm soo tired, which is good I think. Cause today I'm gonna go to bed latest at 11 p.m. since school starts tomorrow. Hm, we'll see how this school year is gonna be...
Wish me luck.
G'nite

A means to an end

Can everyone please stop making me eat all the time? I'm not hungry, if I felt like eating I would. I'm not sick, I don't have eating disorders so just shut the fuck up. I eat when I feel like eating.
Sick bastards...

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

Sitting here, drinking strawberry tea, listening to The Smiths... Could it be better?
Well, it could actually, but I'm satisfied with things the way they are right now.

Some natures catch no plagues

I envy those who are naive enough to belive that eternity exists. I wish I was so naive to believe in those things, but unfortunately life have learnt me that nothing is forever, even though we want it to be...





there is no happy here, there is no happy here

2:00 a.m.

Everything is literally fucked up.
I'm not over you, not at all to be honest. I miss you all the time, I wanna be with you every single second. I love you, I simply love you, well, simply... It's not that simple actually, once upon a time it was simple to love you, as simple as breathing, but nowadays it's just fucked up. Cause you're not mine.

When you were mine, my life was complete, I was complete and now that you're gone nothing works the way it should... Nothing is the way it used to, and you know me, you know how much I hate changes. Food tastes like shit, music doesn't sound the way it used to. Nothing seems to catch my attention, nothing seems to get into my head and make me stop thinking of you at least for a second. I react to everything and nothing, I walk but I feel like I can't feel my legs, I'm a cripple without you. I miss what we had, I miss you, I miss myself, I miss us.

You were the best thing about me, I know it sounds like a stupid cliche but that's exactly the way it was. You were the big part of me that was missing, and you made me feel complete but now that you're gone... What do I have left? Well, a broken heart and a river that I've filled up with my own tears.

Everybody keeps telling me to get over you, to stop thinking of you, to forget about your existence, and although I know they have a point, I can't. I can't stop loving you, not even for a second. You're in my thought wherever I go, whatever I do. I'm fine just to know that you're happy, even though I'm not the one who's making you happy. And honestly, straight from my heart, I don't think I want to get over you and I'm not gonna push myself into this. I don't want to let go the only thing I've got left. I don't wanna forget about the best person I've ever met, I don't wanna forget about all the great memories and the great time we had together. I don't wanna forget about the best time of my life.

No matter how hurt I am, I'd do everything with you again and again if I got the chance. If I had the chance to experience everything we had, I would, and I'd make up to you for all the bad things I've done. But I guess I'll never get the chance to do everything with you again cause you don't love me anymore, you don't want me in your life. It's alright tho, I've got all the memories and I'll keep playing them over and over again, like an addicting song, and I'll experience everything every single day, cause that's what I've been doing since it's been over.

Little ego

Tea
Kent
Crying

Describes my night perfectly.
Goddammit, I miss you.

Tigersuit

I feel alright afterall. You're an asshole. Have fun!

If only I knew

If I knew that it would be this hard to get over you, how much I would miss you, how much this would hurt, I wouldn't have let myself fall in love with you.

Renée au pays des merveilles

I came to the conclusion that oddly enough people are nicer in the morning. At least those I saw this morning while walking home from Johan. I don't know, maybe it was just me, maybe I was so tired that I even started seeing things, maybe it was the pain in my knee (that is now swollen as hell and hurting like a bitch. Stupid muscle injurie!), but I'm almost sure that at least three persons (out of those, maybe, 10 persons that I saw this morning) did actually smile at me when I walked by.
Today I have even realized that I can think of really weird things and even come up with smart things to say. Walking alone at 7 a.m. in the morning can be very interesting. Now, who would have thought of that, huh? Maybe I should start walking every morning. I never felt so grateful to be alive. I felt like I was high on happiness the whole time, and even though my knee was hurting I kinda didn't feel a thing untill I realized that I couldn't walk anymore and had to sit by the river and call my dad so he could pick me up. The sun was shining beautifully on the water and although it sounds like a silly thing, it was probably one of the most beautiful things I've seen lately.



I'm off to neverland now.

all the eyes turned hollow

dammit, it keeps comming back.
hate this sooo bad.

Only life I know

My body is tired but my head is awake and refuses to let me go to bed.
I tried to sleep like three times tonight, it's 04:23 a.m. and my eyes are wide open and although my body tells me to go to sleep, my head tells me to stay awake. It might have something to do with all the coffee and hot chocolate I've been drinking today, maybe I should cut down on sugar and caffeine.

forget what i said

i am fine, you have to let me go.

I've been eating for you

I need you here.

emotion sickness

what day is it today?
is it friday or is it saturday?

the dandy cowboys

rain
bed
computer
guitar
camera
alone

Future reflections

It's funny how I sometimes can find joy in simple things such as reading a book, listening to a good song and having a deeptalk with someone i care about. It's also funny how I can feel all happy about little stuffs and little words and things that probably don't mean much to others but mean the whole world to me. It's interessting how I can get excited and feel free but at the same time sad and unsatisfied.
The world keeps turning, life keeps going and you can't stop it. That's the way it is. You can't stop living just because you lost something or maybe someone you loved. You're gonna miss it sometimes, you'll wish it was all yours again and then you'll forget it all over again. It's a weird cicle, but it's the way I'm living and also leaving. Cause I'm leaving all the memories behind, I'm moving on, I'm taking care of things and dealing with feelings and my emotions the way I should've done for a long long time ago. I guess I was too scared to move on, and I guess i held on to the memories way too long.

fade in, fade out

I forgot to update my blog. Anyway, yesterday was good. Went to town with Rebecca, Johan, Säl and Nic. I had fun.
Today has both Säl and Rebecca left me so now i'm all alone in this shitty town. Hate it!
I'm sick, my throat is killing me. I have nothing more to say.
Oh YES, I DO HAVE! I got a fringe yesterday cus i was bored :)))

Gemelli Siamesi

I wanna watch skins NOW! But i'm still downloading the first season!
Tomorrow I'll meet Johan and we're gonna eat ice-cream and get all fat and talk about weird stuffs and then later me and my mom are going to the cinema. I dunno which movie we're gonna watch but i'm hoping for harry potter! :DD *cheers*

Anyway, i'm in love with my dad's closet. It's filled with pretty clothes. Sometimes i wish i was boy

Why are you so far away?

J is better than everybody else in this whole fucked up planet.
I love you for who you are, honestly, you're the best thing that could happen to me right now. Thank's for making my world spin again.

endymion

movies
chocolates
mum and dad are back
guitar
the cranberries
saetia
tired
cleanlady


describes my day pretty well!
oh i wanna see the new harry potter movie!

good morning

i hate when i wake up and realize that you're not lying by my side

Zombie

I seriously feel like a zombie or something zombie-ish. I have changed my sleeping time. Sleep the whole night, awake the whole day. But, it's summer, i have no school and nothing important to do.
Gah, i need to get away from this shit country for a while.

So, here's my list with things I do while everybody is sleeping and i'm awake:
* Think of weird things and say weird stuffs. I started thinking of sigur ros after i thought of björk. Cus i realized, björk is from iceland and so is sigur ros.
* I start talkin with myself
* I feel like i need to pee all the time, but i'm not. It's just the effect of the gallons of water that i've been drinking.

After this weird shit i'm definitly gonna watch donnie darko. The download has just finnished and i'm gonna make Rebecca watch it with me cause i dont like the creepy bunny!

Oh btw, i realized that i've become asexual or something like that. I just realized that i dont get turned on anymore. Oh god, what the hell is wrong with me
Ok, time for some yoghurt!

BYEBYE

J.

Zombie, hey, what's in your head?

amateur standing

to go from "i haven't written anything" to "oh 3 posts only tonight", i'm feeling like a real blogger.
after sitting and thinking weird thoughts while waiting to finish the download of donnie darko, i came to the conclusion that:
1. love sucks when the person you love dont love you back.
2. this is so far the worst summer ever.

i also came to the conclusion that perharps a makeover, a lot of money, a new bag and a puppy would brig me back to life!

Anemic amour

Ok, since my last post was about how much i miss my superjerkexboyfriend this one is about how much i miss my parents.
HAHA, i feel like a little brat right now BUT GODDAMMIT please mum, please dad, DO NOT leave me alone at home again! I hate cleaning, i hate cooking and i really hate being hungry cause i hate cooking! So please mum, please dad, do not go anywhere without me!

Anyway, i just wanna say that Amanda Woodward is a fucking great band and i like them a lot
and oh well yeah right ive been thinkin about going darkhaired again!
aah fuck this, going to watch a clockwork orange and then donnie darko.
great movie night, alone by myself.

Trolley Wood

12 days left
School tomorrow
Trolley Wood
Sing
Guitar
Tea
French

your love is something i cannot remember

I wonder how the hell we got here, cause i feel like i kinda hate everything you do and i feel that it's the same way for you.
Well, i hate this, seriously, i hate fighting cause even though i hate the way you are, i love who you are, or at least, were. I miss the old times, i miss when there were only you and me in our relationship, instead of you and me and thousand more people. I hate this, i hate this so much and i dont know for how long i'm gonna be able to deal with this. I'm sick and tired of this whole shit and sometimes i'm sick and tired of you. I miss you, i miss us... this sucks.

Time left for love

Yay, finally! Today i bleached my hair and dyed it blond! It's kinda orange/red/blond but i seriously LOVE IT! I'm totally like in love with my hair!
Yesterday i had my first "concert" or whatever you're gonna call it. 5 songs, first time i sang in front of a group of stranger. It went better than i expected

Hm i cant make my diet work. I should become a bulimic!

Why don't you give love?

 I'm so tired of school, seriously. It's killing me, i'm sitting here in this very white and blue room with a lot of computers and i feel so out of space. I feel like going somewhere else since my head's somewhere else and i seriously can't concentrate on anything else than my own toughts. I hate school, it's too annoying and it takes too much of my attention to be honest. So i feel like going home but i cant cause i still have one lesson left, although i could be at home writting my essays that i have to hand in tomorrow! I'm sooo stressed! School is definitly gonna kill me anytime soon, but still i'm glad cause tomorrow is friday and the day before easter holidays, which means i'll have exactly 10 days off from school and how i need these 10 days off!

  The weather is not as nice and warm as it was yesterday, but i think i can deal with it cause its not snowing and it's not that cold eather, but i wouldn't complain if the sun started shining again like it did yesterday. 

 

Le plus beau du quartier

I kinda regret that i got up at 8 o'clock this morning to go to school. Cause i only had like one lesson in 30 minutes and i have to stay at school untill 15:00 because i have a math test.
The weather today is pretty awesome and i feel like eating ice-cream and playing guitar the whole day, but since i'm on a diet, at least trying to get one, i'm not eating my beloved ice-cream. I feel like dying because i really love ice-cream, but i guess i have to deal with it cause in 24 days i'll be having an audition to the swedish version of american idol and well, popstars (not that i wanna be the next britney spears or christina aguilera...) have to be thin and look gorgeous all the time! So, i'm on a diet and that's the way it is. Instead of eating ice-cream i'll be drinking water which also is good but not as sweet and tasty as ice-cream...

13 steps up

25 days left. I'm nervous as hell.

I left school earlier today, cause i didn't feel well... So now i'm at home, bored as hell and i should be working on my swedish homework, studying for my math, radio/tv test but instead i'm sitting here cause i'm such a looser, HA HA!
On friday i'll be singing and playing guitar at this coffee place and i'm freaking nervous. I dont really like standing on the stage but i guess it would be a good training since, he he, i want to become a singer someday (well, keep dreaming, honey!). Oh well, all i hope for is that i'll do just fine and that i dont mess it up...

I guess i should go and start doing some mathproblems.... I need vacations sooo badly....

Good day sunshine!

 Oh it's sunny and warm and i feel all happy and cute with my perfect red baret on my head! I just cant help but i am so glad. The weather is so pretty today, i feel like jumping around and singing beatles' songs all day long! 

 I LOVE SPRING AND SUMMER! 

Hooray!

I'd like to say that today was my lucky day!
I found the cuttest red beret that i've been dying to find for the past 5 months! Anyway, i found it and bought it of course. It was kinda exepenssive but i dont care really, it's so cute and oooh i'm in love. Oh well, i wont be able to buy anything for the next 3 weeks. I think i can manage that, at least i hope so.
Anyway, my diet is totally fucked up. I have no selfcontrol, seriously! Today i had this delicious piece of chocolate cake and now i'm sitting here and eating some chips! Gah, i have to tell my parents to give me some kinda of punishment for eating junkfood!

YAY, next week's easter holiday!



26 DAYS LEFT! IM SO NERVOUS

I need

I need to stop eating junkfood.
I need to stop drinking my chocolate.
I need to stop eating my chocolate.
I need to stop getting mad for little things.
I need to stop being angry all the time.

I need to start a diet.
I need to start taking care of myself.
I need to start being nicer to people.


ps: by the time i was writting this i was eating chocolate and drinking festis. SO NOT COOL!

I AM

I am... I dont know who I am and that's exactly why i decided to start writting. I want to get to know myself.